Its not ppd or ptsd...

But it is something!

I have been recently feeling very upset about my TWO separate c section scars. So upset in fact that I cry quite often about the terrible memories of them. When I went to my Midwife post partum appointment I had to do the  postpartum depression(ppd) sheet. It said I had it. Well not being able to bond with my child or even hear her first cries because you were knocked out unnecessarily with general anesthesia can have that effect on a woman. They symptoms of ppd are as followed-

• Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.
• Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.
• Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in appetite and weight, but sometimes the opposite.
• Sleep problems-usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.
• Noticeable change in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.
• Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.
• Difficulty concentrating and making decisions. Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting, frightening thoughts of harming their babies: these thoughts tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.

Well at first it would seem as if I had ppd. I had the emptiness inside but go ask anyone who had a dream die that they were so set on if thats how they felt at least at some point. I had lost my appetite but I also had major surgery that made me feel like shit and it was hard to want to do anything because of the pain. I only wanted to sleep. Although again you know that surgery WHOOPED me. Guilt, sure guilty because of all the different things I should have done to prevent it. I knew better. Well since I had these symptoms my medwife( she wasnt the one I loved in the practice) proceded to tell me I had ppd and should really talk to some one in the office. She was also the same midwife who told me that my anesthesia fuck up wasn't what was making my back hurt so much, it was MY ANATOMY! SERIOUSLY!!!

Now here it is 9 months later and I can tell you that I have problems but they aren't ppd. I also looked into PTSD. Now the symptoms for that are as followed- Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
• Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
• Hopelessness about the future
• Memory problems
• Trouble concentrating
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

• Irritability or anger
• Overwhelming guilt or shame
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
• Trouble sleeping
• Being easily startled or frightened
• Hearing or seeing things that aren't there

Now on the site I looked on(mayo clinic) I don't have very many of these symptoms. I will admit I have maybe 3 but honestly that isn't many. I also know that I don't have to have every symptom there is in order to have a "diagnosis." Unfortantly for me I truly believe I don't have either of these conditions. This is leaving me in a gray area. Birth trauma is very real and sadly I don't know where to turn for help. When I feel my scars I want to puke. Yes, my kids are healthy and happy. Yes, they are great kids. But every birthday, at least Emmie's because while I regret Landons because I was uneducated and I worked my ass of for Emmie to come through my vagina, I will not only be celebrating my daughter taking her first breath, I will also be grieving the birth I worked so hard for and still couldn't accomplish!

Another sweet bonus of being a victim of birth trauma is that many people either think its fake or not worth taking a second look at. Most days I do fine but there are plenty where all I want to do is cry and cry until I just fall asleep. I have a long way to come before I will be healed from my ordeal. I know it is possible to get there but it will be a long time before that happens. When a human has had any sort of trauma in society we don't tell the to get over it or try to belittle how they feel by trying to say at least your survived your trauma. But a new mother seems not to be treated like a human. We get belittle all through our pregnancy with "advice" and how "huge" we're getting, because you know, we don't know already apparently. A new mother who tells people she feels guilty, angry  or sad by the lose of a life change experience, like the way their child is supposed to come into the world, we say "At least you have a healthy baby". I am curious as to when a mothers mental and emotional health became so non-existent that we just brush her feelings off like nothing.

The worst decision I've made so far.....

Two years ago today I was 39 weeks and two days pregnant with my son. As of tomorrow at 7:35 am my son was born. Now, my son being born was amazing. I cried when I first heard his little scream. I was so relieved that he screamed.

Onto the worst decision of my life. It happened about 16 and half hours earlier. I had my doctors appointment for my 39 weeks on Wednesday June 4th 2008.  First I peed in a cup as usual. I had a vaginal exam which showed me at about a finger tip. I was then taken to the ultrasound room where budha (Landon) was projected to be about 9 lbs. Now what I didn't know about this was that the tech can be up to a pound off and the machine can be as well. So all in all they could have been up to two pound wrong. In my case they weren't but as the same time woman have birthed 11lb children vaginally!

Then went to a room for non stress test since I had a "big baby". Landon was fine in his non stress. He did the appropriate amount of kicks in the time needed. Then my doctor k came in. I asked if everything was okay as soon as he came in. I was told that he moved and kicked great and there was nothing shown wrong with this test. Then I was told that my son may have shoulder dystocia because he was Macrosomatic baby. Which means his estimated weight was higher than 4000 gram. (4000 grams is equal to about 8.13lbs) Now I was VERY under educated! But that was my choice. Just to wing it as others had done before me. WRONG!!!!! Not getting educated was part of the worst decision. It all ties in with each other. Now when my doctor suggested an automatic cesarean I was terrified and truly didnt want it. I asked about an induction because I wanted to avoid surgery. Who wants to have surgery?? He told me that in all reality I would probably end up with a sections after having to labor which would be much harder on my body.( He was probably right because my bishops score was low)

I agreed to the cesarean. And there it is. The worst  decision of my life. Being an uneducated mother to be was bad enough but allowing myself to influenced with the "baby in danger card" makes me looking back on my experience so much worse. What I didn't know at the time was that One half of all cases of shoulder dystocia occur at birth weights of less than 4,000 g (8 lbs., 13 oz.). To this day I sadly hate the thought of the fourth of june.Its the day I allowed the Doctors at my local hospital to compromise my fertility, my future births, my uterus, my life and my sons. Everyone had failed to mention the risk of myself and my child dying during this surgery. And although we were lucky and didn't, the risks DID NOT out way the benefits. I am blessed that I am able to at least see joy in the day of my sons birth because some mothers can't.

Please mama's PLEASE whether you are new or experienced, pass on that being educated is truly the most important thing you can do for your unborn child and for yourself.

Come on...Lets support each other ladies!

Recently the author of Momotics, Danielle, and Theresa from HealthyBabyNetwork did a Post Cesarean Feelings Survey. Today Danielle posted the positive feelings for the survey. I personally took the survey and thought it was very well written and enjoyed it. A couple people have said that they feel it was biased.

On to what I was going to write about. There were a couple comments, in my personal opinion, that completely demeaned the feelings of negativity that some mothers had. Call me sensitive if you would like, but some of the mothers with positive feelings seemed to think that just because they had a great experience that means everyone should. Maybe that is generalizing a little too much but when someone makes comments like the "healthy baby " comment, it doesn't get the point across. It just makes woman who have had negative experiences resent what comes out of the mouth of the person who commented. Maternity care needs to get back to caring for the emotional states of woman as well as the health and well being of mom and baby.

For many cesarean mothers they believed they would be having a vaginal birth and that is what they had prepared for. They didn't expect to have major abdominal surgery. They didn't expect to have a more difficult time breastfeeding.(Although that isn't always the case) They didn't expect to have to recover and tend to a incision on the stomach. Woman with traumatic experiences especially, were not expecting to have feelings of anger and grief over their lost birth experiences. It is probably very difficult for woman with a positive experience to understand where this trauma and anger comes from. But please know that those feelings are there and just because you don't understand them doesn't make them any less real.

 We as woman need to take time to understand the feelings of each other. A man will never know what it is like to be pregnant, to birth vaginally or by cesarean. As much as the men in our lives love us and try to understand it will never fully click in their minds. They experience something completely different than us. They can go through the trauma and pain just like we do but will never have the same experiences. We need to stand up together and support. If you had a great birth with your section, AWESOME. You are lucky that you enjoyed it and don't feel you were cheated. But please help woman who aren't as lucky. We wish we hadn't had a traumatic experience and that our child's birthday wasn't clouded with those awful feelings of something that we have lost. It is our responsibility to be there for each other. We need to have each other for support because if we can not even support woman through a birth how do we expect to do anything as a society. 

I do believe there is a way to have a positive necessary cesarean. There are cases where moms truely need a cesarean and ICAN does have a link for a family centered cesarean. It is possible. Not every cesarean is negative but their are many that are and being supported is the only way to get through the pain of it all!

Dear Doctor.... Part One

Last night I saw a post on babydickey.com where the mama, Emily, wrote up a first draft to the OB who cut her. It got me thinking in honor of Cesarean Awareness Month I would finally get all my feelings out in tear up letters to the OB who cut me first.

Dear Doctor K,
       I very much loath you. I feel ruined by what you did to me. I was young and naive. Yes I should have been better informed to tell you where you could shove it when you "suggested" I just have a cesarean. I should have known that you were no good when you asked me "If this was a one night thing or do you know the guy"! What the hell was I thinking by staying with you. I know what it was. I thought that a nice office and good exam rooms meant you were an amazing doctor who cared for his patients. Why else would woman keep going back? Little did I know that you just looked out for your own schedule. I can't believe I trusted someone like you to care for me and my unborn child. You could have easily ruined my fertility and you have defiantly ruined easily having a vaginal birth for the rest of my life. Did my child die? No. Did I have complications? No. These things don't mean that I am anymore happy about it. Yes I fully agreed to my cesarean with open arms. I never would have, if I had ever known the possibility that I may never get a to experience what my body is fully capable of because you cut me. Yes Doctor K you have truly made an impact on my life. You have shown me that not all doctors are gods and many of you do stupid things for your own leisure. Some, not all, of you willing risk the lives of patients just so you can be home for diner! I cringe when I hear a woman say she is going to your practice. I can tell you I will never forget you, but the memory of you is strolling into the OR saying what a great day it was. I am blessed to have my son, but the way he came into this world will forever be a heart breaking event in my eyes!

Cesarean Awareness Month!

April 1st kicked off the first day of cesarean awareness month, a cause that is very much embedded in me now! Besides childhood cancer awareness, which is in September, I don't know a cause that is more important, for me anyway!

When I had my most recent cesarean it brought out many emotions that were new to me. Although I felt tricked with Landon's birth, this was different! This was a true and heart breaking let down. I didn't know the traumatizing feeling other woman felt, until Emmie came into this world. I unfortunately felt like she was just ripped out of  me. How sad is it to fell as if the child you carried for nine  plus months isn't even yours! But this is a feeling that all to many woman go through. Yes it is true that moms want a healthy baby, But it is also true woman want a birth that they can feel like they will cherish forever. Some woman, I include myself in this, feel like they will never be able to recover. Some simply won't!


The International Cesarean Awareness Network, ICAN for short, is an organization who is trying to help inform woman of the unnecessarily high cesarean  rate.(Which is at an all time high of 32% as of 2007) The hospital my son was born at had a rate of 29.53%. These rates are truly unacceptable. Woman need to be informed of all their choices. Many woman of childbearing age have no clue about these things. I know as a former uneducated mama myself I knew nothing of cesareans or their sky rocketing rates. ICAN wants to let moms know their cesarean rights, their vbac rights and even vaginal birthing rights. Even if you are a first time mom, the the information ICAN gives on pregnancy can take you farther away from the possibility of an unnecessary cesarean. Some of the following links, which can all be found through ICAN, have some really great information for first time mamas, second time plus moms, and even woman who aren't pregnant!
What is ICAN?
Cesarean Fact Sheet
Choosing A Primary Caregiver
Legal Rights For pregnant Woman
Professional Labor Support
Induction of Labor
Pushing Positions
Reading List

ICAN believes "A cesarean can be lifesaving for mother and baby, but is major surgery with all its risks. When a cesarean is truly lifesaving, the benefits outweigh the risks of major surgery. However, with those that are not medically necessary, the risks far outweigh the benefits."

Please fellow mama's and even non-mamas, inform woman. Empower them to take charge of their care because it isn't always an easy thing thing to do in today's over managed obstetrical model of Care. Remember you are a client of your OB/GYN or midwife. You are not a patient!

Birth Fair

On Saturday, March 27th, there was a holistic birth fair here in DeKalb. It was AMAZING, to say the least.

When I first walked in, I was able to talk to the woman who is teaching the Bradly Method class that I will start auditing starting on Friday. I am really really excited to get my Child Birth Education classes started.

I was next able to introduce myself to the co-leaders of the ICAN of Kane county. I was so happy to be able to meet them. They were awesome. After talking to them for a little while I was able to go behind the desk with them and share the wealth of information that ICAN can give to woman. I enjoyed it. Tons of woman were in need of a DeKalb ICAN....Hopefully we may be able to start one eventually. The woman were awesome. I connected so well with them. It was heartbreaking hearing the stories some of the woman had. I just wish more woman were able to educate themselves better before or during their first pregnancy. I think so much could be avoided if books like WTEWYE weren't around!I even mentioned The Feminist Breeder  a couple of times. There were a couple who were interested in the Doctor/nurse facebook comments! There were a couple woman I was able to give some good advice to I believe! I can't wait for the meeting in April.


I was also able to speak with a couple local doulas, who I LOVED! One in particular, I was able to talk to about mentoring me once I was able to start attending births. I am so glad I asked because she hadn't even thought about that. There were about three other woman there who were reading and doing their child birth classes. I also meet three doulas. I never knew there were so many trying to become or already existing doulas in the area. It really is exciting to see all the woman interested, in my area, in getting a better birth.

I was also able to meet some other birth professionals as well. There was a woman there who does placenta encapsulation. I really wish she had been around when I had Emmie in September. She gave pretty interesting information on what the hospitals may do with some of the "medical waste". It was disgusting honestly. I am really hoping next pregnancy I am able to use this woman. I think it would indeed help me avoid PPD. Although having a meaningful birth experience, the way a woman is supposed to, would also help me avoid the PPD.

What I will do to be DONA Certified....

So as my blogging name implies, I am either a Doula or in the process of becoming a Doula. In this case I am in process of becoming a doula. In order to this I need to take a Child birth education class, a DONA, workshop, and a breastfeeding class before I can attend births. I am really anxious to starting being able to attend births.

Anyway... I recently contacted the woman who is running a workshop in May. Luckily for me the workshop contains the breastfeeding class in it. BONUS! I am going to have to read 5 books, three of which I have to read as a required reading for DONA certification. Currently I am on my The Doula Book: How a Trained Labor Companion Can Help You Have a Shorter, Easier, and Healthier Birth. For some reason it has been kind of tedious to finish up. I am hoping to have it don by tomorrow at the latest. Then it is onto The Ultimate Breastfeeding Book of Answers: The Most Comprehensive Problem-Solving Guide to Breastfeeding from the Foremost Expert in North America [ULTIMATE BREASTFEEDING B-R]! Thank goodness for the library because in books alone so far I have spent 30 dollars, but the isn't including books I've already bought.

The Child birth education class that I am going to take is the Bradley Method. I am lucky that I found one starting on April 2nd and decently close. My fiance was able to get every Friday off for it so he could stay with the kiddos. The woman who is hosting the class is letting me audit without a fee unless I would like a "text book". All that I need to do is help her set up and put away. As well as helping with any demonstrations. I was lucky to find the class when I did because the lady who is hosting the workshop has made it a requirement!

The workshop is going to cost a pretty penny on its own but again very much worth it. Unfortunately the class is in Elmhurst which is about an hour and fifteen minutes away. Another not so amazing point is that it starts at 9a.m., three days in a row. BLAH!!! I am really excited that the class is coming soon though. I really can't wait!