Its not ppd or ptsd...

But it is something!

I have been recently feeling very upset about my TWO separate c section scars. So upset in fact that I cry quite often about the terrible memories of them. When I went to my Midwife post partum appointment I had to do the  postpartum depression(ppd) sheet. It said I had it. Well not being able to bond with my child or even hear her first cries because you were knocked out unnecessarily with general anesthesia can have that effect on a woman. They symptoms of ppd are as followed-

• Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.
• Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.
• Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in appetite and weight, but sometimes the opposite.
• Sleep problems-usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.
• Noticeable change in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.
• Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.
• Difficulty concentrating and making decisions. Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting, frightening thoughts of harming their babies: these thoughts tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.

Well at first it would seem as if I had ppd. I had the emptiness inside but go ask anyone who had a dream die that they were so set on if thats how they felt at least at some point. I had lost my appetite but I also had major surgery that made me feel like shit and it was hard to want to do anything because of the pain. I only wanted to sleep. Although again you know that surgery WHOOPED me. Guilt, sure guilty because of all the different things I should have done to prevent it. I knew better. Well since I had these symptoms my medwife( she wasnt the one I loved in the practice) proceded to tell me I had ppd and should really talk to some one in the office. She was also the same midwife who told me that my anesthesia fuck up wasn't what was making my back hurt so much, it was MY ANATOMY! SERIOUSLY!!!

Now here it is 9 months later and I can tell you that I have problems but they aren't ppd. I also looked into PTSD. Now the symptoms for that are as followed- Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:

• Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
• Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event

Symptoms of avoidance and emotional numbing may include:

• Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
• Feeling emotionally numb
• Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
• Hopelessness about the future
• Memory problems
• Trouble concentrating
• Difficulty maintaining close relationships

Symptoms of anxiety and increased emotional arousal may include:

• Irritability or anger
• Overwhelming guilt or shame
• Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
• Trouble sleeping
• Being easily startled or frightened
• Hearing or seeing things that aren't there

Now on the site I looked on(mayo clinic) I don't have very many of these symptoms. I will admit I have maybe 3 but honestly that isn't many. I also know that I don't have to have every symptom there is in order to have a "diagnosis." Unfortantly for me I truly believe I don't have either of these conditions. This is leaving me in a gray area. Birth trauma is very real and sadly I don't know where to turn for help. When I feel my scars I want to puke. Yes, my kids are healthy and happy. Yes, they are great kids. But every birthday, at least Emmie's because while I regret Landons because I was uneducated and I worked my ass of for Emmie to come through my vagina, I will not only be celebrating my daughter taking her first breath, I will also be grieving the birth I worked so hard for and still couldn't accomplish!

Another sweet bonus of being a victim of birth trauma is that many people either think its fake or not worth taking a second look at. Most days I do fine but there are plenty where all I want to do is cry and cry until I just fall asleep. I have a long way to come before I will be healed from my ordeal. I know it is possible to get there but it will be a long time before that happens. When a human has had any sort of trauma in society we don't tell the to get over it or try to belittle how they feel by trying to say at least your survived your trauma. But a new mother seems not to be treated like a human. We get belittle all through our pregnancy with "advice" and how "huge" we're getting, because you know, we don't know already apparently. A new mother who tells people she feels guilty, angry  or sad by the lose of a life change experience, like the way their child is supposed to come into the world, we say "At least you have a healthy baby". I am curious as to when a mothers mental and emotional health became so non-existent that we just brush her feelings off like nothing.