I have been recently feeling very upset about my TWO separate c section scars. So upset in fact that I cry quite often about the terrible memories of them. When I went to my Midwife post partum appointment I had to do the postpartum depression(ppd) sheet. It said I had it. Well not being able to bond with my child or even hear her first cries because you were knocked out unnecessarily with general anesthesia can have that effect on a woman. They symptoms of ppd are as followed-
- Depressed mood-tearfulness, hopelessness, and feeling empty inside, with or without severe anxiety.
- Loss of pleasure in either all or almost all of your daily activities.
- Appetite and weight change-usually a drop in appetite and weight, but sometimes the opposite.
- Sleep problems-usually trouble with sleeping, even when your baby is sleeping.
- Noticeable change in how you walk and talk-usually restlessness, but sometimes sluggishness.
- Extreme fatigue or loss of energy.
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, with no reasonable cause.
- Difficulty concentrating and making decisions. Thoughts about death or suicide. Some women with PPD have fleeting, frightening thoughts of harming their babies: these thoughts tend to be fearful thoughts, rather than urges to harm.
Now here it is 9 months later and I can tell you that I have problems but they aren't ppd. I also looked into PTSD. Now the symptoms for that are as followed- Symptoms of intrusive memories may include:
- Flashbacks, or reliving the traumatic event for minutes or even days at a time
- Upsetting dreams about the traumatic event
- Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
- Feeling emotionally numb
- Avoiding activities you once enjoyed
- Hopelessness about the future
- Memory problems
- Trouble concentrating
- Difficulty maintaining close relationships
- Irritability or anger
- Overwhelming guilt or shame
- Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much
- Trouble sleeping
- Being easily startled or frightened
- Hearing or seeing things that aren't there
Another sweet bonus of being a victim of birth trauma is that many people either think its fake or not worth taking a second look at. Most days I do fine but there are plenty where all I want to do is cry and cry until I just fall asleep. I have a long way to come before I will be healed from my ordeal. I know it is possible to get there but it will be a long time before that happens. When a human has had any sort of trauma in society we don't tell the to get over it or try to belittle how they feel by trying to say at least your survived your trauma. But a new mother seems not to be treated like a human. We get belittle all through our pregnancy with "advice" and how "huge" we're getting, because you know, we don't know already apparently. A new mother who tells people she feels guilty, angry or sad by the lose of a life change experience, like the way their child is supposed to come into the world, we say "At least you have a healthy baby". I am curious as to when a mothers mental and emotional health became so non-existent that we just brush her feelings off like nothing.
